Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Grief is not just for death. It is also for the living when another is not their normal self. For many, Glenda Cole meets a need (or many) in their life. She's not dead yet, but she is definitely not the same person we know and love so dearly. Right now. You need to know that if you come to visit. Seeing her like this - it is very tough. It is not the same.

And yet, she is still very present. She knows that the pain meds are creating hallucinations, and that she is running at about 20-30% right now. She knows what time it is, and where she wants you to stand to talk to her. She know the date and where she is, but is beginning to grasp the idea that ICU is lasting longer than she would like. She still makes jokes, sings songs, is bossy, loves prayer, and loves to visit with people. She is the same yet different.

I feel like I am grieving in moments. Watching my Momma try to hold a cup yesterday just about sent me crying out of the room. Yet she makes me laugh when she says "Now, you stay right here until I tell you to leave." She's a Bossy Flossie. She creates a deep well of love and devotion when she is singing along as Steve & I serenade her with Come Thou Fount and Amazing Grace.

Maybe you want to wait to visit her until she is in a regular room, that is fine. If you come to visit her in CCU, just realize that she is not the same as you would expect. I don't think she is going to slip through our fingers anytime soon.

To me, she's my Momma. I have watched this woman sick, tired, asleep, awake, happy, and sad. So, this state of her being doesn't bother me greatly. I know her smell, her facial expressions, and how fast her mind works. She said tonight, "I just want to swing my legs off this bed and walk around it. But I know I can't right now." In her mind, she is doing that task. That is what is keeping her going.

Tonight, I watched her sing along with Steve and I as we sang Amazing Grace to her. These are great moments. These are moments to treasure. These moments are Glenda.

always singing,

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful reflection.. and beautiful openness. Love you all and praying to Him who is Mighty to Save!

    Love and hugs!